Today, Carol and I are celebrating our 57th Valentine's Day together, and this coming August will be our 58th wedding anniversary. We have five grown children, 37 grandchildren, and two great grandchildren (at last count). We've moved 17 times and lived in 10 cities in five states. We've had a total of eight cats and dogs (not counting several litters of critters for which we found homes, and feral cats who have adopted our son into their realm), two goats and five chickens; plus we've raised a plethora of chickens and turkeys decades ago for food.
I would like to tell everyone that through all those years and all that activity, Carol and I have never had an argument or hurled a cross word at each other.
I would like to tell you that, but it would not be true.
In the early years (we were married in 1966) we've had disagreements and arguments, a few doors got slammed, we gave each other the infamous silent treatment, the kids worried about our marriage, and the couch (or sofa) became a bed a few times. But we never left each other, and we resolved our problems. How? I am glad you asked.
Carol and I are best friends. We formed a solid friendship before we were married, and we never lost that facet of our relationship -- in spite of disagreements and arguments. We also agreed before we were married that no matter what problem we faced, we would never consider divorce. You see, we had more than a ceremony, a public vow, and a license to solidify our marriage. We did something that many couples don't think about.
Not only did we recite our vows from memory (and sing a duet together), we made a deep, heartfelt, five-part commitment: the commitment was to God, to each other, to the pastor, to those attending the wedding and to any children we would have. Therefore, we meant it when we stated "for better or for worse, til death do us part." Also, my dad taught us: "If you ever consider the divorce option, you are halfway to the divorce court." So we never considered the "D" word.
Did you notice the foundational word? The word is "commitment" and is the key -- on the human level -- to a lasting marital relationship. Commitment is the key to any lasting relationship: to God, spouse, children, employer, friends, and to our own integrity.
Commitment means: allegiance, dedication, steadfastness, faithfulness, loyalty. A commitment is a promise, and a synonym for promise is ... are you ready? ... a guarantee.
Why is commitment the key to a lasting relationship? Simply this: if we allow ourselves an out for when things get rough, we would be tempted to employ that option -- and so many people do. But if we secure our relationship with a true commitment, our problem-solving creativity can be released, and it is surprising how relatively unimportant most problems turn out to be. An added bonus is that the time-proven concept of commitment is also a guard against marital infidelity and other devastating forms of unfaithfulness.
Having said all that, it is sometimes difficult to say "I love you" in the middle of a war. But having established commitment as the base of operations, it is easier to back off for a few minutes (without slamming the door or applying the infamous silent treatment), let emotions cool down, and with our God-given creativity, resolve the issues at hand. There is always more than one issue clouding the mind, and sometimes a counselor is needed.
I mentioned that commitment is the key on the human level of a lasting relationship. Why? Commitment is part of God's nature; it's one of His attributes. And it is much easier to employ commitment on the human level if we have an active, positive relationship with God. You can read about several of God's attributes in First Corinthians 13:4-7. Go ahead and read it: there are about 75 words and will take a minute to read. God will not exercise commitment for us, and it is difficult to employ it without His help. Marital commitment is really a three-faceted team effort.
I've used the word commitment eighteen times in this article for a dynamic reason: I want you to memorize it and its definition. Why? With commitment as a base of operations, contentment in life follows close on its heels.
Happy Valentine's Day, friends.
S. Eugene Linzey is a teacher, author, mentor and conference speaker. Send comments and questions to masters.servant@ cox.net
Where's Jeremy?
Regular columnist Jeremy DeGroot is on vacation this week.
— Staff reports